Wednesday, December 19, 2018

One Year and Counting

  Dear friends and followers, I have neglected you and the blog for far too long. Life has become so overwhelming that I just couldn't bear to write anything at all... Every post would have been another rambling mess of "it's getting worse". More than a year has passed since we lost our home to Hurricane Irma, and we're still living at Dad's (for now). But if all goes right, we will be closing on our new home within the next few weeks! Now that the gears are turning in the right direction, I'd like to update those of you who have been worried and share some photos to prove I've still been at the hook:    


  I was super-exited to share this cardigan with all of you as soon as it was finished, but I couldn't. I probably would have continued blogging (and complaining) throughout this ordeal if it weren't for all of the tech-related issues that came crashing down on me. On top of problems with all of my devices, I couldn't access the blog for about three months... And that was a really scary time of not knowing what to do, how to fix it, or if the site's security was at risk. It turned out to just be a glitch on Google's side, but by the time the problem was resolved I had lost all motivation to write.


  Once I finally got my tech together enough to try working on anything, I was faced with over 2,000 comments that needed moderation. Trying to sort the real people from spam was the most overwhelming part. It seemed like the load of spam increased every time I responded to a legitimate comment.

  Convinced that my comment section has become tainted, I made the decision to delete ALL comments. I'm sorry to anyone who has left a comment and didn't get a response. I'm sad to see it all vanish into non-existence: The wonderful conversations with friends, so many thank you's, a few minor debates, heartfelt stories shared by others and all the stuff in between is just... Gone

  That thought is what made me realize I'm still not ready to get back to full-time blogging. The comment situation once again reminded me of how many times I've had that "gone" feeling over the past year (and counting). There was the initial loss of the house, then my cat Gilly was killed by one of those damned poisonous toads. I wasn't sad to finally see my stupid car go... But when we stopped by the property to make sure the car had been removed by the buyer, I was nowhere near prepared for the "gone" feeling that struck me when we saw what was left of our house (and what was left of our un-salvageable belongings inside) demolished into a heap of rubble, scattered across the ground and piled in a construction dumpster. It took one piece of machinery to crush ten years of our lives into a garbage heap. I cried for hours afterward. And then I went home and crocheted the pain away.



  So even after I regained control of the blog, I just...Couldn't. I couldn't decide what to do when I ran out of yarn for that vest. I couldn't concentrate on patterns to publish. I couldn't find the time to make tutorials on my new schedule. I couldn't stop feeling like everything near me breaks and somehow it's all my fault. I couldn't bear to keep bringing you all down with more of my bad news... Hell, I couldn't even bring myself to catch up on anyone else's blog because it felt like too much pressure. I couldn't fake being happy and I couldn't admit how depressed I've been. I couldn't even put any of my pictures into a post that made sense, so I dumped them all here and just stared at the page every time I tried again.

  Then I finally realized: In all those "can't's", there's one thing I can do. I can start somewhere. Anywhere! And maybe it doesn't have to be perfect. Maybe I don't spend as much time as I'd like checking grammar and labeling photos... It bothers me, but maybe all that's not so important. Maybe I don't have to concentrate so much on writing a pattern for every single thing I create. Maybe sometimes I just share a little. Maybe I'll finally learn that a pattern is not a total disaster just because I decide that I don't like the colors I chose to create it, like with this scarf: 


  C'mon, we all know there's no chance of that last one happening... Anybody remember the time I ripped back an entire shawl because I didn't like the way the colors were pooling?


  I am very pleased with the way the shawl above came out... But I made a tiny mistake while writing the pattern, and it killed any hopes I had of getting the design into my store. Although it will give me a great excuse to buy more of that beautiful yarn for another attempt, it's going to have to wait. Right now my mind is dedicated to inspections, surveys, insurance and closing; along with getting utilities and internet turned on when all that is done.

  Once we close on the new house, there will much work to do before we can actually move in... It's a foreclosure. First it needs paint, because I think there's more colors on the walls, ceilings and doors than in my yarn stash. Then it needs a good cleaning, some kitchen cabinets, appliances, and hopefully not much else because we still have to replace all the furniture we lost. Plus, there's the actual moving... Sigh. Yes, it will still be a while before I'm ready to be back full-time. But it's good to finally have the motivation to write something.

  You still won't see me on social media, and I'm not sure if I'll ever go back. Besides the spam that passes through filters here and on Google +, I'm sick of being harassed on all platforms by random guys that seem to think women are only there for a date... With all the spam-junk I have to sort through, I don't need pictures of any man-junk - Thank you but NO, I'm not interested in running away with a Nigerian prince - Since when did personal messaging part of Pinterest get so darn naughty?

  So, I've been kinda disgusted with the internet. I hope you can understand why I've retreated into the darkness. I'll be back, I promise! Just remember, we don't use that word "soon" around here anymore... We just wait patiently and hope things don't get worse.

Happy Crocheting!

3 comments:

  1. Hi Jenny! I'm new to your blog, but as I was reading your story, my heart went out to you. Sweetie, what you went through was a period of mourning. You and your family have been through a form of hell, and it's enough to send anyone reeling. I commend you on your strength. We all go through various trials as we live life, and they do take a toll. But we also come out on the other side (even if it takes a while) and we're quite often stronger for it. Able to encourage and help others who are going through things. Feel empowered to reorganize your life, to newly nest in your new home, even enjoy the painting! It's going to be beautiful once it's done. Take the time you need for yourself and your family. Blog about your progress if you'd enjoy it. You have people that care about you and understand. We're rooting for you all! But don't feel pressured in any way. This is life, and it happened recently to you, and you have to rebalance, reorganize, and start fresh. Give yourself that time with all the love in your heart that you can muster. Everything's going to work out. I look forward to hearing how things are going for you and your family, and I wish you many blessings and good things for the upcoming year.

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  2. Please take your time. You can't jump back into the old routine, even if you wanted to. When life changing events happen, our perspective and priorities change. And rightly so. I pray that you will allow yourself patience. Life is a journey, not a sprint.

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  3. I hear all of that. I am sorry I disappeared too during this time you needed friends around, I had my own stuff going on. I hope your life is settling in and you are finding your rhythm.

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