Thursday, September 17, 2015

Crochet is the Way is Drowning

  I often ask people to "stop by Crochet is the Way". I hope you understand that I'm not asking you to come to my house. What I mean is "visit the blog". I would invite you for an actual visit, but the dog doesn't like anybody; plus, who in the world wants to come here, anyways? Though I do like sharing stories from around the office and showing you the beautiful landscaping. During a short break in the rain, I finally got out to inspect the five acres of the Crochet is the Way grounds. So, let's go on a virtual tour!

  The following is a guide for what you would need - supposing you actually came by for a visit. You might think to bring the obvious things to come hang out at my offices: Yarn, hooks, various crochet tools and patterns... But you'll need much more than that!

crochet, weather, flooding

Materials needed for the tour:

  • A poncho. Not the awesome crocheted kind; a rain poncho. 

  • Rubber boots. The taller, the better. Maybe some hip waders. Snake boots might be even better. And yes, those are Hello Kitty toe socks.

crochet, weather, flooding, boots

  • A stick. That's for snakes.

  • *Optional* A gun. For bigger snakes with teeth.

  • The dog. He'll tell you where the snakes are.

crochet, pets, dog, flooding

  • *Optional but recommended* Floaties, life vest, raft, canoe, or other flotation device. 

crochet, pets, cat, flooding

  No, Jump Steady, you can't use that for a boat. But nice try, anyways. Maybe we can reinforce it with some of that As-Seen-On-TV junk that makes a screen door in the bottom of a boat "waterproof". I'll crochet a liner for it so you can be comfy as we all float away in the flood.

Directions for entering the Crochet is the Way grounds:

  • Turn left into the driveway. Stop before you hit mud. DO NOT drive through this mud. It's deeper than it looks. Yes, that dry-looking sand seems like the place to aim for, but it's not. That's called Wash-out, which is washed-down leftover concrete. It turns to slush when it rains.

crochet, weather, flooding

  • Go left if you are a truck. Trucks can go left only if the driver actually knows that you drive nice and easy through mud, not stomp on the gas and dig yourself a hole.

crochet, weather, flooding

  • Go right if you are a car. Do not go fast. Do not stop. Do not stomp the gas if you start to spin. Just go easy and aim for the driest spot. If you stop moving, stop stomping on the gas pedal. You're not going anywhere but deeper from there.

crochet, weather, flooding

  • *Alternate option* You could always just walk up, but you may wish to review the "Materials needed" section...

crochet, weather, flooding

Instructions for your stay (only for those who choose to drive up):

  • Don't stay to long. I'm not trying to be rude or anti-social. You actually can't stay too long, or your vehicle may start to sink. Here's where my car was parked:

crochet, weather, flooding

Tips for as you leave:

  • Live somewhere near a drought? Take a bucket home with you!

crochet, weather, flood

  • Remember the "Directions for entering". It's pretty much the same as you leave.

crochet, weather, flooding

  You may find the tour around the Crochet is the Way grounds interesting, but I doubt you'll enjoy it. If you get stuck here, we can always ask the mosquitoes to lift up your vehicle in trade for blood. If we run out of crochet material, maybe we could spin up some of the three-foot tall grass that can't be mowed in all this water. If you need exercise, just walk outside. The muck sucking at your feet is great for toning your calves, and you'll get some cardio in when you go for a run from a water moccasin (if you didn't bring a reliable pistol). And hey... I've heard that mud baths are good for you.

Happy Crocheting!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Comment moderation is now enabled because of those nasty spammers - Sorry!
Your comment will go through after you click "publish", but it won't be visible until approved.